


spider child

by thatemofangirl



Series: AUgust 2020 [21]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies)
Genre: AU-gust 2020, Angry Peter Parker, Bad Jokes, Canon-Typical Violence, Fights, Funny, Gen, Gender Confusion, Harley Keener is a little shit, Mentioned May Parker (Spider-Man), News Media, Peter Parker Doesn’t Know How To Lie, Peter Parker is Trying His Best, Peter Parker is a Mess, Regret, Spider-Man Interacting with New Yorkers, Tony Stark Acting as Peter Parker's Parental Figure, i love it, this is pure ridiculousness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-22
Updated: 2020-08-22
Packaged: 2021-03-07 00:55:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,454
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26048386
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thatemofangirl/pseuds/thatemofangirl
Summary: A moment of panic leads to something that's going to embarrassingly haunt Peter for the rest of his life.
Relationships: Harley Keener & Peter Parker, Harley Keener & Peter Parker & Tony Stark, Harley Keener & Tony Stark, Harley Keener/Peter Parker, Peter Parker & Tony Stark
Series: AUgust 2020 [21]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1858408
Comments: 10
Kudos: 197





	spider child

**Author's Note:**

> Day 22: I couldn't come up with anything Futuristic, so I was going to use the Steampunk joker, but I couldn't come up with a plot for that either. So I just used the _other _joker Modern, and just basically did a chapter of whatever I wanted. Not technically an AU.__
> 
> __This is based on something I saw on Pinterest a while ago and I thought it was hilarious. If I find it, I'll link it._ _
> 
> __Just enjoy the ridiculousness!_ _

_Peter, there is a reported bar fight on 32nd. Authorities have been alerted but they_ _will_ _take six minutes to reach the destination._ Karen's voice rang through Peter's ears as she highlighted a building in green three blocks away from where he was perched.

"Six minutes, huh?" He narrowed his eyes and stood up, quickly checking how much webfluid he had left before flipping off the skyscraper he was resting on and begining to swing in the direction of the bar. "I can do that. How many are fighting?"

_It seems to be six men. Inhabitants are evacuating. Be careful, they are armed._

"Thanks Karen." Peter whispered as he clung to the wall of a building across from the bar. He watched for a moment, examining the area. The people who were in the bar were quickly clamoring out, running down the street or getting into cars. Just as Peter was about to drop down, a man went crashing through the window.

"That's gotta hurt," Peter cringed as he swung across the street. "You can stay here for a little longer, can't you?"

Peter spoke to the groaning man on the ground before webbing him there. Then he jumped through the broken glass and entered the nearly vacated bar, if it wasn't for the brutal fight going on, the bartender both taking shelter behind the bar and trying to tell the men to get out, and the people against the far wall too trapped to get out without getting caught in the fight.

Peter could understand why the bartender would be scared. He would have been too if he didn't know he was already ten times stronger than them even if he didn't look it. The remaining five men fighting looked like they stepped right out of a WWE match. They were big, almost double Peter's size in height and definitely in size. Shaved heads and burly untamed beards, clad in leather jackets.

Peter gulped before making his presence known. He shot a shot a web at the feet of the person closest to him and yanked his legs out from under him with enough force for him to go crashing to the ground, his head hitting the floor and knocking him out.

"Hey, do you guys want a picture _before_ or _after_ I calm you down?"

"This is between Clash and Flames, Spider-Man. Stay out of it."

"Ah, bike gang fight. I want in!"

Peter dodged a knife as it slashed the air in front of him. He shot webs at the ground a slid in between his attackers legs before springing up and kicking him in the back.

"One, two, three, four...how much time do I have left?"

_Three minutes._

Peter ducked over a right hook. "If you guys can work together to stop me, who says you can't get along otherwise?"

With Karen suggesting moves and giving brief warnings, Peter was quick and small and used it to his advantage. These men were strong, and packed a punch, but their size hindered their speed just enough to give Peter more of an upper hand.

Soon enough, he had the bikers in a daze, all webbed up to the point where they weren't going anywhere anytime soon.

Once silence filled the bar, the bartender stood up and Peter turned ro face him as he spoke. "Thanks for stopping that fight, Spider-Man. Can I get you a drink? It's on the house."

Peter held out his hands and shook his head. "Thank you for the offer, but I can't."

"I insist," the man continued. "Anything. Free of charge."

"No thanks, I really can't." Peter chuckled, begining to feel nervous.

"Why not?"

"Um," Peter couldn't tell him or the rest of the people in the bar he was underage. He glanced to his right and saw that some even had their phones out. Instead, he blurted out the first excuse that came to his mind. "I'm pregnant!"

 _You can't get pregnant, Peter._ Karen's voice chimed in.

There was a moment of awkward silence as Peter was frozen and saw the bartender staring at him with confusion on display. "Oh." He said after a couple of second. "Well, congratulations. Is it a boy or a girl?"

 _One minute._ The AI reminded Peter about the cops, and he heard the sirens grow louder in the distance.

"Uh, it's a spider!" Peter spoke quickly, his heart beating rapidly from trying to sell the lie in a panic. "You're welcome about the fight, I gotta go!"

Peter swung out of the bar just as the police cars stopped in front of it, making it away from the scene just in time. If he had stuck around, he would have had to run from the police. Most times, they appreciated his work, but they still had orders to apprehend him since he was technically working outside the law.

Peter settled down a couple blocks away, groaning into his gloved hands. "Karen, we need to come up with better excuses than _"I'm pregnant"_."

_You could have just said you didn't drink_ _on_ _the job._

Peter wasn't sure if Karen could actually _see_ the annoyed expression on his face, but he made it anyway. "Next time I stop a bar fight, let's remember that, yeah."

He just shook his head and sighed. It had been a pretty slow day, that bar fight being the first thing he found in three hours, so he decided to swing back home and head to the Avengers Compound early.

He had talked to May, and she greenlighted him spending the night over there to help Tony and Harley work on a new suit prototype. He was going to head over there after patrol, but after what he just did, he wasn't nesscessarily up for gallivanting across New York City looking for trouble.

A couple hours later, and Peter was sitting on the couch in the common room watching TV with Harley.

The two of them had been waiting for Tony to finish up a solo project of his own, so they decided to talk and watch a movie in the meantime.

"So, there was this bar fight in SoHo—" Peter had begun because Harley asked him if anything interesting had happened while he was out.

Once the boy realized it immediately elicited a groan from Peter, he instantly begun to press and Peter knew he wouldn't let it go until he heard the embarrassing story.

But he cut himself off when Tony entered the room and cut off Friends, which was playing on the screen, and instead putting on the news.

"Hey!" Peter and Harley protested at the same time, even though they weren't actively watching it at the moment.

"Hey you." Tony shot back, an amused look on his face as he stared at Peter behind his glasses. "Why didn't you tell me you were expecting?"

"W-wait what?" Peter's eyes widened and he turned his head to face the television to read the headline scrolling across the bottom of the screen.

_"Spider-Man or Spider-"Woman"? Eyewitness reports say New York's friendly neighborhood hero refused complimentary drink_ _because_ _of pregnancy."_

"You can't be serious!" Peter jumped up. "How could they possibly believe I'm a girl?"

Peter shot a glare at Harley as he started to snicker in his spot on the couch.

"I need time to prepare to be a grandparent you know." Tony continued, a teasing smirk on his face before it turned down into disgust. "Your kid's not calling me grandpa. Pops? Maybe. We have nine months to figure it out. Gasp! Does Aunt May know?"

Peter was trying to process everything that was happening, including Tony saying _gasp_ out loud. "Mr. Stark! No!"

"No, she doesn't know? Oh dear, we're going to have to tell her to turn on the news."

"Oh my—guys, I'm not pregnant!" Peter wildly tried to convince them, but both Tony and Harley were already having the time of their lives.

"This is not how I was expecting to learn we were having children, Pete," Harley laughed and Peter felt his face turning red from both anger and embarrassment. "I'm the father and I was last to know, wow." Then he watched as Harley made the straightest face possible and narrowed his eyes in Peter's direction. "I _am_ the father, right, honey?"

"I hate you." Peter stated, backing up towards the exit, glancing at the TV once more. "I hate you both!"

"Oh come on! Anger isn't good for the baby!" Harley called after him as Peter just left the room. "You gotta stay mentally healthy!"

"I'm never living this down, am I?" Peter exasperated, sitting down angrily cross-legged on the ground in the hall.

"Nope!" 

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, I'm not sure how to link it properly, butanyone can find me on Tumblr. My name is thatemo-fangirl.
> 
> If anyone knows how to link it, I would appreciate the tip.


End file.
